Lord, Hold My Hand
My thoughts wandered over the calendar as I stood staring at all the support appointments and get-togethers with friends we had scheduled. Numbering the days until we left for Bolivia, something did not seem quite right. When was my last cycle? I started counting the weeks back and realized seven weeks had passed. “I can’t be pregnant!” I ran to the bathroom, rummaged through the drawer, and pulled out a pregnancy test. Shaking, I watched the test. The result was positive. I was in a dream. This was not happening!
My emotions ranged over the whole spectrum—total fear and joy were the ones I could name. Still shaking, I picked up the phone and called my husband. His first words were, “What is wrong? You sound scared! Whom do I have to rush to the hospital?”
“I’m pregnant,” I whispered as if saying it louder would somehow wake me from the dream. Dan was silent, so I continued. “I was looking at the calendar and then took a test and two pink lines showed up.”
“What did you take a test for?” As if that was the cause of the pregnancy! Chuckling, he said, “Wow, we’re going to have a third baby under the age of 3.” He reassured me this was God’s planning and hung up the phone.
My mind whirled. “Lord, what is going on? We are leaving for Bolivia in two months. I can’t handle being pregnant now. I mean, we had wanted more children, but not now. How am I going to find a doctor? What if I get really sick and end up in the hospital? Friends and family won’t be near. I am so tired, weary, and stressed. I am going to go over the edge, Lord!”
Pacing the living room floor, I prayed, and the Lord responded to my fears. “Daryl, do you trust me? Do you really believe me? Have I not taken care of you before?”
“Yes, Lord. But I am so scared right now. Remember how depressed I was after Ben was born? My life right now is a recipe for disaster. Start with leftover depression; add a dollop of living in a foreign country, several cups of learning a new culture, and a bowl of learning to speak Spanish. Lord, my fear is for me, not the baby! I am going to become the crazy global worker wife that everyone writes about in the textbooks: ‘Daniel Collins was a great global worker of Cochabamba, Bolivia, but his wife couldn’t handle life and sadly, she went crazy.’ Oh Lord, help!”
Over the next couple of weeks, the Lord calmed my heart. My excitement for a new baby grew, but the thought of doing this the first year of our first long-term assignment in Bolivia scared me. Within the last year, we had moved five times, Dan had just graduated from seminary, we had two little ones, we were raising support and packing our belongings, and in the midst of all this, I was exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.
The following day my time with the Lord was very intimate. He brought to mind Psalm 90:14, “Lord, satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love, that I may sing for joy all of my days.” I imagined my soul being filled with love and feeling so content that I did not have a care in the world. In addition to reading Psalms, I was listening to Jennifer Knapp’s song Hold Me Now. The words struck a chord in my heart as I made the song a prayer. “When I am weak, when I’m poor, I’m broken Lord, but I’m yours. Hold me now.” I realized I wanted to be held, to sit in the Lord’s lap, to cry, and to be comforted by my Heavenly Father. My fears slowly melted away, and I was incredibly calm and at peace. Standing up, I reached out and took the Lord’s hand.
Three months have passed since we arrived in Bolivia. God has provided a small support base for our family. I was able to find a doctor (which is a story in itself), we have made Bolivian friends, and we met a wonderful global worker family which has helped us navigate aspects of living in this country. My fear of going to the hospital due to sickness became a reality, but God held my hand. As scary as that was, our little baby is healthy, and my health has returned as well.
In the midst of all these transitions, the Lord has continued to hold my hand through the ups and downs. I have sat in His lap and cried more than once in the last two months. He continues to bless the new life inside me with health, and He blesses me with a growing excitement to meet our new little baby.