I paced the room anxiously. Sitting down was not an option in my mind, so I walked in circles looking at the books on the shelves, the trees out the window, and the empty chair. Two leather chairs sat in front of the fireplace. My Lord sat in one chair, the one well worn from sitting. The other chair opposite was new, hardly sat in, and begging someone to use it.
I was afraid that if I sat down and looked into the eyes of my Lord, I would cry. I was scared that I would see love, compassion, mercy, kindness, peace, and the truth. I was afraid that He would make me let go of all the hurt from the past, start a new life with Him, and be everything He created me to be.
Lord, you know I cannot sit down with you. Don’t you see I am scared? Hurt has become my constant companion. If I let go, what will I do? I did not wait for an answer, but started pacing the room again…longing to sink into the leather chair. Freedom sounds like such a wonderful thing, yet it is scary. Freedom from hurtful words that play like tapes in my mind, freedom from the lies I have allowed myself to believe, freedom from the constant anxiousness that underlies all aspects of my life (if I stop moving, I might have to face the hurt!)…. Freedom. But at the moment I am comfortable with the hurt because it is familiar, and I will not let go.
In my mind I know that I cannot grow into who God made me without letting Him heal the brokenness. Lord, I am scared. It is like jumping into the air and not knowing where you will land. I bit my lip, not wanting to let go, wanting to stay composed and pulled together, to keep ‘the act’ together. After all, I had kept ‘the act’ up for so many years already. So calm, cool, and collected on the outside, yet wound up, anxious, and sad on the inside. I know You want me to let go. Finally, I looked at the chair. Come. Sit down, Daryl, my Lord said. With tears running down my face and my body shaking with sobs, I dropped into the soft, coffee-colored chair. Elbows on knees, head in hands, I cried until there were no more tears. Look at me, my Lord said to me as He took my hands in His. I lifted my face and looked at His face. There I found peace.