I choose today to be a child of faith
when dark clouds threaten to overwhelm me,
when fears try to drown me.
God is the Author of our lives, and our lives are a reflection of the joy of His creation. How the story is written is often a tapestry woven with the threads of happiness and of pain, joys and sorrows. I have chosen writing as a way to share my story, my journey of knowing God more fully. Writing serves as a way to share with others on this pilgrimage that God does have a plan for us—not to harm us, but to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future. Through poetry and journaling I draw closer to Christ as I express my longings and desires, my fears and triumphs. Writing reminds me of what David must have gone through and how he drew closer to God’s heart through his psalms.
I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1991. MS affects anything the central nervous system controls—walking, speech, balance, coordination, writing, the optic nerve and eyesight, just sort of basic stuff of daily living. For the first 13 years or so, it popped up every now and then. It would mostly affect my walking abilities for a week or two, and then it would more or less disappear. In the last year and a half my walking has taken a big turn for the worse and I have learned to keep the verse, “My grace is sufficient for all your needs” before me every day. When I finally lay down at night, I thank the Lord for His grace which has gotten me through another challenging day. Things that were once so easy for me, like jumping up and fixing a meal or more simply walking across a room or carrying a glass of water, are now mountains for me to conquer. And I find my once fiercely independent self very dependent on others for everyday things. It is a humbling experience and yes, God’s grace is sufficient.
I wrote the following poem one night when I was overwhelmed and despair wanted to settle in, like an unwelcome guest for the night.
In my darkest hours
O Lord, you hold me close
You hear the beat of my heart.
But I am drowning in my fears
I know you hold every tear I’ve cried
You promise to never abandon me.
So why do I feel so alone, so lost?
So afraid?
As the storm rages around me
I barely hear Your whisper, “I am with you.”
But I will cling to you, my Rock, my salvation
Show yourself to me today
Increase my faith and help me
To grow in your grace.
Before Scott and I were married in 1980, I made a wall hanging for him with a verse from Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I hold that verse very close in my heart, especially now. I choose to believe in His goodness and in His plan, in spite of feeling not very useful at times any more, in spite of hardly being able to put one foot in front of the other or write very well. I do not know where all this will end, but I choose to trust God and His plan for our lives—and He gives me hope.
As I lose more of what I think
makes “me” who I am…
remind me of who I am in You
and where I fit in your plan
As I lose more of me
doing simple tasks of life,
remind me that I am a daughter of the King
and you created me for your pleasure
You desire a broken and contrite spirit.
Use this broken vessel for Your work, Lord,
and make me whole in you
fill my life with you
For it’s not about me, Jesus,
But about you,
for your honor and glory
I cannot see my life without you in it.
Heal me, as you see fit
and teach me contentment.
Take the broken pieces of my life
and fill me with your joy,
your peace, your love
for your kingdom
Mold my heart and help me
be faithful and obedient,
trusting in you to see your goodness
with a thankful heart,
singing praises to your name, O Lord.
Last October, I wrote a psalm when things were a lot better than they are now. The words still hold true today, 8 months later…
Psalm of Joy
I choose today
to live in God’s light,
to be consumed by his love
I choose today to shelter in his wings
because to shelter in the world offers
no warmth, no peace
I choose today to run to his strong tower
for towers of men turn to dust and decay
and offer no hope, no sanctuary
I choose today his grace,
which he lavishes on me
and is sufficient for all my needs
I choose today to be thankful
for gratitude flows from the mercy
God has so richly given to me
I choose today the light of his Being
that turns my darkness into brilliance…
where I can stay in his shadow
and he shelters me, safe and secure
I choose today to be a child of faith
when dark clouds threaten to overwhelm me,
when fears try to drown me
I choose today to let my soul cling to him,
holding fast to his hand, resting in his palm
I choose him because he first chose me
and calls me daughter, princess, beloved
I choose to discover his joy
and his delight in me for His glory
I choose Jesus.